A Revealing Exercise in Self-Love
How a writing exercise helped me identify the words I most needed to hear
A few nights ago, I did an experiment in anticipation of a coming birthday: I wrote in my journal, in the greatest detail I could, about the types of relationships I wanted in my life. It was a playful exercise to get clarity on how I wanted my life to evolve and what that might look and feel like. I visualized a close group of girlfriends that would lift each other up, a loving and playful boyfriend, and the types of meaningful personal relationships I wanted more of. I imagined how each relationship would feel to me, I designed the scenes and possibilities, and eventually it felt so real that I even imagined the words coming out of peoples’ mouths. And that’s when something interesting happened.
As I visualized a scene with a new group of friends, I imagined one girl saying as kindly as possible, “thank you, it always feels great just to be with you.” I felt the warmth in the room and my own face smiling in response. A moment later, a scene floated up with my imagined boyfriend saying, “I love you just the way you are.” The words felt so real to me and touched me, until they were interrupted by an obvious question: If these are things I want to hear, why aren’t these things I would say to other people? And just as quickly, another question followed: Why aren’t these things I would say to myself??
So I decided to do a small experiment. I wrote down the phrases I had imagined others saying that had touched me the most. Then, I walked over to my mirror and looked myself in the eyes. Giving myself permission to talk to a mirror without self-judgment, I addressed myself as the type of compassionate and supportive friend I wanted. I looked in the mirror and saw soft eyes and a caring smile. “You’re wonderful as you are, you don’t need to do anything extra.” And quietly in my body, I felt my muscles relax. I repeated the phrase and felt tension in my stomach soften, muscles around my heart relax.
I tried all of the different phrases, finding some easy and soothing and others almost impossible to get out of my mouth, even with no one else around. My voice would become wooden or I would want to turn away from the mirror entirely. The only solution I could find was to imagine now that I was no longer talking to a friend, but I was an adult talking to a child- and that I was the child at the same time. That was the only way that I could say the most loving things to myself, the phrases I had most wanted to hear from someone else. As I spoke and felt the impact of what I heard, the eyes in the mirror softened as well, creating a strange, supportive feedback loop. After a short time, my body began to shake and the eyes in the mirror began to tear up and cry, but now the soft, supportive voice came from inside my own head: “Let out anything you need to, you’re just fine as you are.”
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I had always heard of self-love, but somehow it had never registered as something missing from my life. I think I considered self-love to be making sure that I succeeded in as many ways as I could. I cooked healthy meals, exercised, worked hard, and practiced the activities that made me happy. A small voice in my head might comment after, “Great presentation- success!” or “You made a wonderful salad- you’re killing it!” If anything, I had an unspoken agreement with myself that any self-appreciation and love must be conditional. “I appreciate you when you do the right thing, because you do the right thing.”
So I had no idea how much stress my body and mind were holding from what is implicit beneath those messages: Love it earned. You aren’t enough just as you are.
I also didn’t realize how my beliefs and expectations of myself were being reflected in my existing relationships with friends and dates. In subtle ways, I went into relationships with plenty of conditions and expectations of things to be earned or proved- despite consciously wanting relationships that were so much kinder and more accepting than that.
And so I made a new practice for myself: a one-minute check-in after I brush my teeth, to share any kindness I need to hear at that moment and to let the impact of it sink in. On a broader level, to become more aware of what I say to myself on an ongoing basis and to ask, Would I keep a friend or boyfriend in my life that spoke to me that way? If not, to gently nudge myself back on course.
So for anyone else looking to keep improving the relationships in their life- lockdown or otherwise- I invite you to try the following:
1) Grab a pen and write down the types of relationships you want to create or improve in your life. Imagine them with as much clarity as possible- not necessarily the faces or identities of the other people involved, but the setting, and how they make you feel
2) Imagine the words exchanged and the overall quality of the relationships.
3) For the words and qualities you want most, ask yourself- Would you say these things to yourself? Are these qualities you allow yourself to experience in daily life?
4) If the answer is No- as I consistently found- go to a mirror and tell yourself the things you want to hear. Do it for 30 seconds if that’s all you’re comfortable with. Put a hand on your heart or somewhere tense on your body and notice the impact as you speak the words to yourself.
5) If there are words you can’t say without feeling insincere or stupid, ask yourself what prevents you from saying them. Consider speaking them to yourself as a child and if that’s still difficult, ask yourself what the source of the resistance is. Each time you ask, ask with curiosity- this is not a self-inquisition or berating, but a new way of getting to know yourself.
If there’s one takeaway I can share drawn from personal experience, it’s that so much of what we want is a reflection of what we won’t give ourselves directly; but the positive side is that we always have the power to gives ourselves so much of what we want in the exact way that we want it.
